Photo by Amy Stocklein
HANNA BRUER'S GRUNGE ART
BY CATHERINE CAPELLARO
NOVEMBER 7, 2019
It’s the “magic hour” when the sun is setting and Hanna Bruer swipes the first layers of paint on a canvas in the lobby of HotelRed. Enormous glass windows look right onto Camp Randall, which glows in the waning sun. Perhaps inspired by the pink-orange tone of the stadium’s stone facade, she adds a layer of pink to a canvas propped up on an easel near the front door.
It’s Gallery Night, the twice-yearly event when museums, galleries and businesses throw open their doors for roving crowds of art lovers. HotelRed’s hip red and gray interior has high ceilings and cement floors, and when Bruer starts to paint, it’s nearly deserted. But Bruer is relaxed and taking her time. She plans to take the whole evening, from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m., to create her painting.
Finished canvases are set up in a semicircle around her and drop cloths lie on the floor around her easel. Her finished acrylic-ink paintings are abstract, and layered with dynamic swipes and drips of color and elegant, illegible cursive writing. They radiate life.
“I use my paintings kind of as a journal that no one gets to read except for me,” says Bruer, standing with one foot on the foot of the easel, one tattooed arm reaching up to grasp the top of the painting. “I can write legibly; I just choose not to.”
For the last five years, Bruer has been taking what is typically a private pursuit, into public spaces for “live painting” events. Mostly, she has painted at music clubs while bands play. She discovered this mode of working after seeing an ad for a live painter for a show at the Majestic. “I was like, ‘What is that? That doesn’t even sound decent,’” remembers Bruer. “That’s something that you do in the privacy of your own home. It’s a very personal thing. But I put my name in, and said I would do it.”
She did it five times that summer. “And now I’ve done it 8 million times...well, not quite,” says Bruer. “It’s a way to be interactive and entertained while you’re doing the thing that’s very vulnerable, because it’s your art.”
Bruer is deliberate, stepping back and assessing the work-in-progress before smearing most of it away and stopping to chat with visitors and her husband, Jake Swenson, who sits nearby.
Live painting has transformed her relationship to her art, says Bruer. “I’ve gotten more comfortable with it. I used to be very private,” she says. “I have an art degree but I would not sell them, not show them. But I decided to just throw myself out there, and started doing live painting, which was very uncharacteristic for me. It just kind of changed how I feel about it. I’m very comfortable. It’s a little nerve-wracking still, but it is very freeing.”
In college at UW-Stevens Point, Bruer studied photography and “hated” painting. But seven years after she graduated, a landlord in Middleton offered her some paints left behind by a previous tenant. “And so I just had all these paints sitting in my apartment, and one night I just went for it and I kind of fell in love.”
By 7:30, the painting has more color, and some inked words. But Bruer is dissatisfied, dabbing and wiping parts that don’t feel right. “I hate it, so I paint over it,” she says, adding that she’s “in it for the long haul.”
She’s enjoying the process, too. Minus one irritant: the bland R&B piped in over the hotel’s sound system. “I’m definitely a ’90s grunge person,” says Bruer. “So this is not my jam. This is piercing me right to the brain. “What I tend to do is to listen to a whole song, over and over, through the whole painting. I’m definitely a big Nirvana fan. I’ve always loved my dark gritty rock. I’m a big Marilyn Manson fan as well….It helps me get out all my frustrations, and it’s really visceral. I love it.”
Records Bruer usually listens to while painting: Failure: Fantastic Planet; Cold: Self Titled; Placebo: Without You I’m Nothing; Marilyn Manson: Antichrist Superstar; Nirvana: Bleach; Zao: Self Titled.
Average times she listens to the same song while creating a painting: 50
Times she has painted live at the Majestic Theatre: 8
Times she has painted live at the Malt House: 9
Pairs of “painty pants” she owns: 6
Colors her hands are after Hotel Red work: 5
Paintbrushes she uses in her paintings: 0
Rolls of blue shop towels purchased this year: 14
Price of the painting created at Hotel Red: $800
BY CATHERINE CAPELLARO
NOVEMBER 7, 2019
It’s the “magic hour” when the sun is setting and Hanna Bruer swipes the first layers of paint on a canvas in the lobby of HotelRed. Enormous glass windows look right onto Camp Randall, which glows in the waning sun. Perhaps inspired by the pink-orange tone of the stadium’s stone facade, she adds a layer of pink to a canvas propped up on an easel near the front door.
It’s Gallery Night, the twice-yearly event when museums, galleries and businesses throw open their doors for roving crowds of art lovers. HotelRed’s hip red and gray interior has high ceilings and cement floors, and when Bruer starts to paint, it’s nearly deserted. But Bruer is relaxed and taking her time. She plans to take the whole evening, from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m., to create her painting.
Finished canvases are set up in a semicircle around her and drop cloths lie on the floor around her easel. Her finished acrylic-ink paintings are abstract, and layered with dynamic swipes and drips of color and elegant, illegible cursive writing. They radiate life.
“I use my paintings kind of as a journal that no one gets to read except for me,” says Bruer, standing with one foot on the foot of the easel, one tattooed arm reaching up to grasp the top of the painting. “I can write legibly; I just choose not to.”
For the last five years, Bruer has been taking what is typically a private pursuit, into public spaces for “live painting” events. Mostly, she has painted at music clubs while bands play. She discovered this mode of working after seeing an ad for a live painter for a show at the Majestic. “I was like, ‘What is that? That doesn’t even sound decent,’” remembers Bruer. “That’s something that you do in the privacy of your own home. It’s a very personal thing. But I put my name in, and said I would do it.”
She did it five times that summer. “And now I’ve done it 8 million times...well, not quite,” says Bruer. “It’s a way to be interactive and entertained while you’re doing the thing that’s very vulnerable, because it’s your art.”
Bruer is deliberate, stepping back and assessing the work-in-progress before smearing most of it away and stopping to chat with visitors and her husband, Jake Swenson, who sits nearby.
Live painting has transformed her relationship to her art, says Bruer. “I’ve gotten more comfortable with it. I used to be very private,” she says. “I have an art degree but I would not sell them, not show them. But I decided to just throw myself out there, and started doing live painting, which was very uncharacteristic for me. It just kind of changed how I feel about it. I’m very comfortable. It’s a little nerve-wracking still, but it is very freeing.”
In college at UW-Stevens Point, Bruer studied photography and “hated” painting. But seven years after she graduated, a landlord in Middleton offered her some paints left behind by a previous tenant. “And so I just had all these paints sitting in my apartment, and one night I just went for it and I kind of fell in love.”
By 7:30, the painting has more color, and some inked words. But Bruer is dissatisfied, dabbing and wiping parts that don’t feel right. “I hate it, so I paint over it,” she says, adding that she’s “in it for the long haul.”
She’s enjoying the process, too. Minus one irritant: the bland R&B piped in over the hotel’s sound system. “I’m definitely a ’90s grunge person,” says Bruer. “So this is not my jam. This is piercing me right to the brain. “What I tend to do is to listen to a whole song, over and over, through the whole painting. I’m definitely a big Nirvana fan. I’ve always loved my dark gritty rock. I’m a big Marilyn Manson fan as well….It helps me get out all my frustrations, and it’s really visceral. I love it.”
Records Bruer usually listens to while painting: Failure: Fantastic Planet; Cold: Self Titled; Placebo: Without You I’m Nothing; Marilyn Manson: Antichrist Superstar; Nirvana: Bleach; Zao: Self Titled.
Average times she listens to the same song while creating a painting: 50
Times she has painted live at the Majestic Theatre: 8
Times she has painted live at the Malt House: 9
Pairs of “painty pants” she owns: 6
Colors her hands are after Hotel Red work: 5
Paintbrushes she uses in her paintings: 0
Rolls of blue shop towels purchased this year: 14
Price of the painting created at Hotel Red: $800
Alright, here I am. Here I am explaining myself in the most vulnerable manner possible. Today I decided that I need to be honest with myself, therefore honest with you. My fans, my family, my friends, my favorite people in the world. First off, you are all amazing, and I love that you love me. I love you too, each one of you, more than you know.
Here it goes. I've been struggling with borderline personality disorder for.... well, forever. I didn't even know there was a name for it until I was diagnosed. Most of you know that I've had severe issues with clinical depression and anxiety. However, I've kept a few issues hidden that I didn't know how to reveal. Borderline personality disorder (it's easier if you look it up) - it sums me up to the finest detail. Basically, it means that no matter what is happening in my life, I'm going to act impulsively, chaotically, and destructively. If you don't see this happen, I'm hiding it. If life is terrible, I act out. If life is wonderful, I act out. I've spent my whole life hiding this part of myself. If you don't already know, I spent four months last year in treatment for an eating disorder that I'd had since the age of 19. I still struggle with it daily, hourly, always. I've done irreparable damage to my heart and digestive system. It's just one way of self-destruction, another way that borderline personality represents itself. A few years ago I severed myself from a highly dangerous drug addiction, another way of self destruction. We are all familiar with the amount of terrible relationships I've endured, just for the torture. Also, I don't often wear revealing clothing, and it's so that I can hide my multitude of scars. Borderline personality kicking in again. I've been to the ER more times than I can count, and hundreds of stitches have really taken their toll. My skin has become a diary of my destructive life. On top of that, I've been through years upon years of intense therapy to help me get through life. Court order has brought me to this: I need to be monitored and medicated so that I'm not institutionalized.
Please don't get me wrong - I love life, and I am lucky to be here. I've been through some intense trauma, which has made me extremely resilient. Some of you even remember the book I wrote (still working on that publishing), showing the power of resilience. With my borderline personality disorder, no matter how I'm feeling, something in my brain will constantly tell me that I need to self-destruct. No matter how great things may be going, something in my brain will always tell me that self-harm is the best way of dealing with the situation. Since an early age, I've dealt with all normal sensations by self-harming, which is not something I wish to do. In my right mind, I am happy and deserving of love and all of the great things in life. However, something in my brain will always, no matter the amount of medication I'm on, no matter the amount of coping skills I use, or the therapy I've been through, the trauma I've endured, something will always tell me that self-harm is the way to go.
Here's where it gets good. I know you care about me. Thank you for that. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be reading this. I've done everything in my power to better my situation. I love life, and I am so proud to be living one. I couldn't be happier. Thankfully my family is so amazing, so understanding, and so loving. I've gotten nothing but support from all of them. I wouldn't be where I am without them. Sadly, self-harm continues to be an active (although significantly reduced) part of my life, but it's controlled and monitored by a professional. Next, I am being honest now. Before, I was ignoring my eating disorder and ignoring my self harm. Now, I'm taking steps to make myself better.
Most importantly, I have art. Painting is the most effective way I've found of dealing with my demons. Painting helps calm my instability and tame my impulsiveness. Now I know who I am under this mask of mental illness. I am Hanna Bruer. I am worthy of everything this life has to offer. And I am lucky enough to be an artist.
Love,
HB
Here it goes. I've been struggling with borderline personality disorder for.... well, forever. I didn't even know there was a name for it until I was diagnosed. Most of you know that I've had severe issues with clinical depression and anxiety. However, I've kept a few issues hidden that I didn't know how to reveal. Borderline personality disorder (it's easier if you look it up) - it sums me up to the finest detail. Basically, it means that no matter what is happening in my life, I'm going to act impulsively, chaotically, and destructively. If you don't see this happen, I'm hiding it. If life is terrible, I act out. If life is wonderful, I act out. I've spent my whole life hiding this part of myself. If you don't already know, I spent four months last year in treatment for an eating disorder that I'd had since the age of 19. I still struggle with it daily, hourly, always. I've done irreparable damage to my heart and digestive system. It's just one way of self-destruction, another way that borderline personality represents itself. A few years ago I severed myself from a highly dangerous drug addiction, another way of self destruction. We are all familiar with the amount of terrible relationships I've endured, just for the torture. Also, I don't often wear revealing clothing, and it's so that I can hide my multitude of scars. Borderline personality kicking in again. I've been to the ER more times than I can count, and hundreds of stitches have really taken their toll. My skin has become a diary of my destructive life. On top of that, I've been through years upon years of intense therapy to help me get through life. Court order has brought me to this: I need to be monitored and medicated so that I'm not institutionalized.
Please don't get me wrong - I love life, and I am lucky to be here. I've been through some intense trauma, which has made me extremely resilient. Some of you even remember the book I wrote (still working on that publishing), showing the power of resilience. With my borderline personality disorder, no matter how I'm feeling, something in my brain will constantly tell me that I need to self-destruct. No matter how great things may be going, something in my brain will always tell me that self-harm is the best way of dealing with the situation. Since an early age, I've dealt with all normal sensations by self-harming, which is not something I wish to do. In my right mind, I am happy and deserving of love and all of the great things in life. However, something in my brain will always, no matter the amount of medication I'm on, no matter the amount of coping skills I use, or the therapy I've been through, the trauma I've endured, something will always tell me that self-harm is the way to go.
Here's where it gets good. I know you care about me. Thank you for that. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be reading this. I've done everything in my power to better my situation. I love life, and I am so proud to be living one. I couldn't be happier. Thankfully my family is so amazing, so understanding, and so loving. I've gotten nothing but support from all of them. I wouldn't be where I am without them. Sadly, self-harm continues to be an active (although significantly reduced) part of my life, but it's controlled and monitored by a professional. Next, I am being honest now. Before, I was ignoring my eating disorder and ignoring my self harm. Now, I'm taking steps to make myself better.
Most importantly, I have art. Painting is the most effective way I've found of dealing with my demons. Painting helps calm my instability and tame my impulsiveness. Now I know who I am under this mask of mental illness. I am Hanna Bruer. I am worthy of everything this life has to offer. And I am lucky enough to be an artist.
Love,
HB