Alright, here I am. Here I am explaining myself in the most vulnerable manner possible. Today I decided that I need to be honest with myself, therefore honest with you. My fans, my family, my friends, my favorite people in the world. First off, you are all amazing, and I love that you love me. I love you too, each one of you, more than you know.
Here it goes. I've been struggling with borderline personality disorder for.... well, forever. I didn't even know there was a name for it until I was diagnosed. Most of you know that I've had severe issues with clinical depression and anxiety. However, I've kept a few issues hidden that I didn't know how to reveal. Borderline personality disorder (it's easier if you look it up) - it sums me up to the finest detail. Basically, it means that no matter what is happening in my life, I'm going to act impulsively, chaotically, and destructively. If you don't see this happen, I'm hiding it. If life is terrible, I act out. If life is wonderful, I act out. I've spent my whole life hiding this part of myself. If you don't already know, I spent four months last year in treatment for an eating disorder that I'd had since the age of 19. I still struggle with it daily, hourly, always. I've done irreparable damage to my heart and digestive system. It's just one way of self-destruction, another way that borderline personality represents itself. A few years ago I severed myself from a highly dangerous drug addiction, another way of self destruction. We are all familiar with the amount of terrible relationships I've endured, just for the torture. Also, I don't often wear revealing clothing, and it's so that I can hide my multitude of scars. Borderline personality kicking in again. I've been to the ER more times than I can count, and hundreds of stitches have really taken their toll. My skin has become a diary of my destructive life. On top of that, I've been through years upon years of intense therapy to help me get through life. Court order has brought me to this: I need to be monitored and medicated so that I'm not institutionalized.
Please don't get me wrong - I love life, and I am lucky to be here. I've been through some intense trauma, which has made me extremely resilient. Some of you even remember the book I wrote (still working on that publishing), showing the power of resilience. With my borderline personality disorder, no matter how I'm feeling, something in my brain will constantly tell me that I need to self-destruct. No matter how great things may be going, something in my brain will always tell me that self-harm is the best way of dealing with the situation. Since an early age, I've dealt with all normal sensations by self-harming, which is not something I wish to do. In my right mind, I am happy and deserving of love and all of the great things in life. However, something in my brain will always, no matter the amount of medication I'm on, no matter the amount of coping skills I use, or the therapy I've been through, the trauma I've endured, something will always tell me that self-harm is the way to go.
Here's where it gets good. I know you care about me. Thank you for that. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be reading this. I've done everything in my power to better my situation. I love life, and I am so proud to be living one. I couldn't be happier. Thankfully my family is so amazing, so understanding, and so loving. I've gotten nothing but support from all of them. I wouldn't be where I am without them. Sadly, self-harm continues to be an active (although significantly reduced) part of my life, but it's controlled and monitored by a professional. Next, I am being honest now. Before, I was ignoring my eating disorder and ignoring my self harm. Now, I'm taking steps to make myself better.
Most importantly, I have art. Painting is the most effective way I've found of dealing with my demons. Painting helps calm my instability and tame my impulsiveness. Now I know who I am under this mask of mental illness. I am Hanna Bruer. I am worthy of everything this life has to offer. And I am lucky enough to be an artist.
Love,
HB
Here it goes. I've been struggling with borderline personality disorder for.... well, forever. I didn't even know there was a name for it until I was diagnosed. Most of you know that I've had severe issues with clinical depression and anxiety. However, I've kept a few issues hidden that I didn't know how to reveal. Borderline personality disorder (it's easier if you look it up) - it sums me up to the finest detail. Basically, it means that no matter what is happening in my life, I'm going to act impulsively, chaotically, and destructively. If you don't see this happen, I'm hiding it. If life is terrible, I act out. If life is wonderful, I act out. I've spent my whole life hiding this part of myself. If you don't already know, I spent four months last year in treatment for an eating disorder that I'd had since the age of 19. I still struggle with it daily, hourly, always. I've done irreparable damage to my heart and digestive system. It's just one way of self-destruction, another way that borderline personality represents itself. A few years ago I severed myself from a highly dangerous drug addiction, another way of self destruction. We are all familiar with the amount of terrible relationships I've endured, just for the torture. Also, I don't often wear revealing clothing, and it's so that I can hide my multitude of scars. Borderline personality kicking in again. I've been to the ER more times than I can count, and hundreds of stitches have really taken their toll. My skin has become a diary of my destructive life. On top of that, I've been through years upon years of intense therapy to help me get through life. Court order has brought me to this: I need to be monitored and medicated so that I'm not institutionalized.
Please don't get me wrong - I love life, and I am lucky to be here. I've been through some intense trauma, which has made me extremely resilient. Some of you even remember the book I wrote (still working on that publishing), showing the power of resilience. With my borderline personality disorder, no matter how I'm feeling, something in my brain will constantly tell me that I need to self-destruct. No matter how great things may be going, something in my brain will always tell me that self-harm is the best way of dealing with the situation. Since an early age, I've dealt with all normal sensations by self-harming, which is not something I wish to do. In my right mind, I am happy and deserving of love and all of the great things in life. However, something in my brain will always, no matter the amount of medication I'm on, no matter the amount of coping skills I use, or the therapy I've been through, the trauma I've endured, something will always tell me that self-harm is the way to go.
Here's where it gets good. I know you care about me. Thank you for that. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be reading this. I've done everything in my power to better my situation. I love life, and I am so proud to be living one. I couldn't be happier. Thankfully my family is so amazing, so understanding, and so loving. I've gotten nothing but support from all of them. I wouldn't be where I am without them. Sadly, self-harm continues to be an active (although significantly reduced) part of my life, but it's controlled and monitored by a professional. Next, I am being honest now. Before, I was ignoring my eating disorder and ignoring my self harm. Now, I'm taking steps to make myself better.
Most importantly, I have art. Painting is the most effective way I've found of dealing with my demons. Painting helps calm my instability and tame my impulsiveness. Now I know who I am under this mask of mental illness. I am Hanna Bruer. I am worthy of everything this life has to offer. And I am lucky enough to be an artist.
Love,
HB